Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
