Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
