I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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