It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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