Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
