My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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