Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm getting married
To pizza
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
