she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
