In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
