he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
