Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
