Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
