Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
