I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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