true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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