i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
