Cold hands, warm shart.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
