Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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