Screwed.edu
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i need to put some appletini on your dick
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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