Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
