bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
