Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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