there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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