I smell stomach acid.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
