o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
