just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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