Swine flu is the new snow day.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
