I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
