Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
