I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
