Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
