Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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