Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
