dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
