At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
