Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I won the penis lottery.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
