Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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