I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
