It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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