First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
