My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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