i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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