Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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