i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
