I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
