life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
