Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
