my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
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[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
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she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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