people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
it hurts more in the daytime
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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