just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We left the knife in your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dear god my vagina.
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