What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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