Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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