My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
