I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
