Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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