I smell stomach acid.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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