well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
